knowing my past

is knowing why I am who I am today

respect it

"Its a fool who looks for logic in the chambers of a human heart"

~Joel Coen

sometimes
we
 date
broken
 people
 because
we
get
tired
of
being
the
only
broken
one

It was hard to hear, I don't understand you
       All I have ever wanted was to be understood


                                                       I didn't think I was asking for too much

Bleeding Hearts

I guess for some it was that simple

A heart carved into the bark of a tree, the initials, the day they met And that was it ...

It solidifies ...

A rare and steadfast love

The universe took care of the rest

The world could shake and quake

But nothing could break it apart

The  heart engraved in the bark soaked deeply into roots of the old tree 

The raw,vulnerability was bled from the heart that which the two lovers first carved into the tree.

It bled deeply from the roots into the ground and penetrated the soil.

The souls would be joined forever

The world could quake and shake and nothing could unsettle the love

 It began simply 

It didn't boast 

It loved unconditionally 

It sees imperfection as perfection 

                                                     Just like the withered tall old tree 

I'm use to the hurt...that part is easy
it's the giving up on things and people and even myself i'm not use to that
pain I'm accustom to...ready for
almost like I expect it

you act as if it meant something
but
it was a nothing
many things in life mean nothing

you saw my body 

but for years

I wasn't really here

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice...
Well I'm scared
I'm really scared
I've never allowed failure to be an option but let me finally tell someone
I'm fucking tired
I've been fighting for 30 years and sure there are other people who have been fighting longer than me
But I have the right to be tired and i'd like a break

sometimes we run out of words..
we feel so many things but there is nothing to speak of
so we just sit in silence
saying nothing
thinking everything
then all of sudden it's too late
that person who meant the world to you is gone
you wanted to tell them the world but you open your mouth and all you could scream was silence.

that's the thing about forever
you never know when you meet the right person
you look into their eyes and hope they are the one
you give your best
they give their best
all you have is time
but time feels like forever waiting to find out if they are the one
you just want to know

and I am so impatient

it's just a whole lot easier to live when the truth is exposed even if its only exposed to ones own self. We all have those skeletons in our closet. I have mine, the secret about that thing that happened that I will never tell anyone until I meet that right man.
 The most important thing is I know the truth and I am living it.

I am living it every day.
        I am not lying to myself.
           Are you...

I'm deep like an ocean dear..

Don't jump in unless you want to swim 

and 

                                       discover new shores!!!!

"HOW CAN I BE REASONABLE? TO ME OUR LOVE WAS EVERYTHING AND YOU WERE MY WHOLE LIFE. IT IS NOT VERY PLEASANT TO REALISE THAT TO YOU IT WAS ONLY AN EPISODE. "

— W. Somerset Maugham, The Painted Veil

I fall for the mad ones
the distant ones
the ones who hide their heart
the ones that can't figure out themselves but I understand with one glance
the ones that that don't have a pot to piss in
the train wrecks
the ones that are emotionally unavailable
the people who don't fall for me..

this is so true about myself

As I struggle every day to raise my daughter who has special needs, this article reminds me so much of what I  feel is important in raising every child....

http://www.viraldoza.com/young-mother-something-serious-say-might-like-youll-probably-love/#

I am so tired of people lacking common sense or really any sort or sense that this is what I have decided...

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice Adventures in Wonderland

this is such a beautiful state of mind to stay in...

“Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

the words surround me and encapsulate my soul....
breathing
most days I enjoy the clutter

Take me to your
                     never never land....

I am not a girl, I am a storm with skin ...

unknown

i'm just gonna let them fall today..and know it will all be okay.
even if its not right now someday it will be

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” 
― Anaïs Nin

Breaking Free.....

today my mind won't stop thinking...it hasn't gone at such a fast pace in a very long time.
I don't like this feeling at all. I feel like I am hanging on the edge of a cliff, dangling... watching my finale
My anxiety is through the roof and I feel my PTSD today. I was having bad torturous dreams all night and I actually woke up in tears from all of it.

why won't the mind ever completely heal....
there seem to be certain triggers that can cause the brain to spiral out of  control...
its different than healing your heart....

Would you walk in the heat of the sun with me... Chase me through the forest until we reach the beach... Fall to the sand with me and sweep me off my feet... Carry me to the ocean. Snorkel with me and hold my hand as we imagine mermaids.

Would you come home from work and help me do laundry... And give me little teasing touches as we make dinner together... Hold my hand as I deal with the difficulties of parenting and set financial goals together... challenge me, push me to reach my goals and focus on my strengths..

Would you shop with me for items for the holidays and day to day...help wrap gifts and make cookies for Santa and blow out the candles before we go to bed..


Would you try to make the best out of our difficult times and go the extra mile ... Carry me when I'm too weak to walk until my legs work again.... Wipe my tears during times of grieve and wipe my joyful tears in times of great joy...

Would you thrill me and make me feel like I'm perfect even though I'm insanely flawed and a tangled mess...lift me off the ground and toss me around playfully ....

Would you travel to the unknown with me in the thoughts of our imagination..enter never never land and fly over the trees as we will never grow up...and listen to music so loud eventually hear aids will be need to just whisper in your lovely ear...

Would you be by my side as morality knocks and appreciate each new gray hair I get and all the wrinkles I have knowing each line I could tell a story with as my body goes south...I no longer look like the one you fell in love with.

Would you...???
 Because I would for you...

I would  tow the line..

I sat on the bus today as I was on my way to Epcot at Disney World... There was this couple, a married man and woman. Sitting silently, peacefully together yet closely connected, shoulder to shoulder and leg to leg. She was looking down and playing with her sleeves. She looked so sweet in her white cardigan, navy blue and white striped dress and her pearl earrings.   She began to take off her Disney bracelet. She wanted to wear it on the other arm (it was bumping against her watch).
As she went to put it on her other wrist her husband looked over and gently helped her with it because she couldn't do it one handed. He placed his water down and put her wrist on his lap.  Just the way he held her hand seemed to have such a strong loving male presence and I was captivated within those few seconds. I was yearning for something, something like that, yes.
It was so sweet to watch that silent interaction and understanding of two people knowing what the other needs.

I can only hope to have something like that some day.

What a dream.

I couldn't put it into my own word's so I found somebody else's- here it is.....

I still get very high and very low in life. Daily. But I’ve finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, that I don’t have to hide it and I don’t have to fix it. I’m not broken.
—Glennon Doyle Melton’s Lessons from the Mental Hospital Ted Talk 

Sometimes------

Sometimes I want to be somebody else somewhere else and somewhere else somebody else. 

Sometimes I want to undo this life I was born into. 

Sometimes I'm unbelievably thankful for all the cut's in my heart, the attempts I've made yet failed and flaws on my body.
The raw imperfect's of my being

I bask here..and watch my thoughts play out.

There is a hope deep with in, that I just can't completely touch

because

it burns so bright and feel's so good it's

absolutely frightening.

This is just way to fitting for me.........
I'm almost never serious, and I'm always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold-hearted. I'm like a collection of paradoxes.
—Ferdinand de Saussure

sigh....

I struggle to find a happy medium in this world

She was happy for a little while. I had never seen her smile and laugh so brightly. She seemed to feel so loved, she was so joyous. For the first time she felt cared for..or so we all thought. 

The proposal, the ring was perfect, all the ideals of how life is suppose to be swarmed her mind. But it was nothing but the furthest from the truth, for deep with in the other person's heart lied a falseness a feeling that was finally released that everything went too fast.

After you crash the car it's to late to put your foot on the break. 

Once the heart is broke it will never be the same again. Choose your behavior carefully. A beautiful person felt lead on, straight into a collision she knew nothing about. Blinded.

Be real and honest with yourself first, and true to others. Save the universe these heartaches. 

Therapy..

I think I need more therapy in my life... urgg.

Exhausted and made one mistake for the last time. 

It's over.